Flying Blind: The Struggle of Shaving When You Can’t See Your Own Vah-Jay-Jay

My husband shaves. He has always kept way less body hair than me. Perhaps I should be embarrassed..or perhaps you should go fuck yourself if you think I should be embarrassed. That is SO beside my point here, sorry. So, I am 30 weeks…second (and last) child. I decided for whatever reason to deal with the shrubbery I have been growing for a good bit. Maybe it was raging hormones, maybe it was a last goodbye to my vah-jay-jay, “goodbye, my friend. I will see you again next year”, (right…?). Given my genetic luck, I am 5’9” and haven’t gained much weight, haven’t had to buy maternity clothes, but did have a super-stubborn cervix that only dilates to a HALF a fucking centimeter when prompted at 42 fuckin’ weeks, (on a relevant note on genetics, I am adopted so I am like a secret Santa gift here) . But I have finally reached the point where reaching my feet is becoming difficult and I wonder at least once a day how my pubic bone can hurt this bad and not be irreparably damaged. So shaving has been…well…let us just say it has been less of a priority than usual.

So I put conditioner in my hair so it can sit and make it pretty or whatever it does, and I shave my right leg. Not bad…except that I use cheap conditioner to shave with since regular shaving cream seems to make me all bumpy and red and gross. So on the I-might-fall-and-the-paramedics-will-find-me-naked-(again) scale we are at threat level orange, aka “oh shit” level. So I slather on some more conditioner on to my downstairs mix-up, and proceed with my 7-section de-fuzzing process. I make it relatively easily through steps 1, 2, and started slowing down at 3, but I made it through okay. Now keep in mind, friends, this is a 4 blade razor with the little swively head and contouring whatever and what-nots. and if you cut yourself, thats four blades worth of bleeding and burning! No joke. I am now deep into “why the fuck did I start this” territory…where if i stop, the boosh will be forever uneven. Or my husband will make the suggestion of using the electric razor again…that was some tragic shit. It was all smooth buzzzzzzzzzzz til it was like buzzzzzzzZZZ and the blood hit the floor. As did the razor with a resounding FUCK THIS FUCK YOU – NO! from me, (and a huge fit of laughter from him).

So, for some reason it seems to be easier to lean to the right than to the left. This was a challenge. Kind of like reading braille…after taking a kindergarten course in reading braille but not being blind. I gently struggle through this with a peek here and there as to what the fuck was going on down there. So then, section 7. Which to me, is the whole front part – like when you look at a person straight on, the part you will see. It also incorporates the part that will stick out of your super sexy shorty shorts in the summertime. Now this people, is where I came to a sad realization.

I realized that I can no longer actually look at my hootie straight on. Its not because it “hurts” or is “uncomfortable”. It is because it is not physically fuckin’ possible! Right this minute in my journey, I am at the place where I could stop and it be explainable…but if I have struggled this far, I might as well finish right? Very cautiously I proceed until it feels like a hedgehog, which is honestly the best we can hope for without the promise of red, angry, itchy as fuck razor burn garunteed to keep me crossing my legs and bending at the knees when wearing pants for about a week.

Success! My hairless, conditioned, beautiful, round self is out of the shower. and ready to take a sexy pic to send to my husband to liven up the end of the work night, right? WRONG. SO fuckin’ wrong. when you are in your third trimester with your second child, no matter how hairless and fantastic you are, there is no flattering angle you can get with the front camera of a smartphone and the dim yellowish lights of a bathroom. or bedroom. or flash. or a lamp. or the back camera and a mirror. *heavy sigh*    *hits middle home button with another sigh of defeat*

This is my story of my struggle that I had tonight. I would love to hear your story and musings on the difficulties of maintaining any kind of beauty ritual while you’re prego! Holy shit, on a side note…I was just looking for some images to put in this post and thought, ‘hey, I will google shaving while pregnant and see what happens’. youtube videos popped up. ohhh noooo. Wait, so some woman shave/wax for labor? I already have my second c-section scheduled so this is something I haven’t considered. Someone please elaborate and share your story/opinion!

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